What do you expect?

🎧 Ahead of Tuesday’s post, here’s what happened when my expectations about dog training crashed - and what remained when all the labels fell away.

The perfect cozy fall morning: cream knit sweater, warm tea in hand, autumn leaves artfully placed on dark blankets beside an old book, honey and chocolate on a wooden tray. Everything exactly as you’d expect it to be.

When leaves started to turn yellow, and some that have fallen onto the ground turned red, I expected to feel cozy and settled. Instead, I felt restless. The new addition to the house — Bubbles, a toy poodle, has flipped my expectation of dog ownership upside down.

What are you expecting?

When you get up early in the morning to walk your dog or to get some outdoor laps done, how would you have imagined your morning to be? Calming? Refreshing?

To be honest, it has been awhile since I last wrote, and practising mindfulness seems to have become the last thing on my list in the past couple months. My skills of noticing became dull, and I realized when I skip my practices, I got caught up on my emotions fairly easily. The spiral seems harder to break.

I used to have a German Shepherd and a Husky, so I am somewhat familiar with dog training. Since he is a toy poodle, my expectation of him is slightly higher than usual.

I would have expected him to learn the tricks within a few tries. I would have expected him to be responsive to my commands. I would have expected him to be friendly to other dogs. The list would go on.

The expectation.

The moment when the reality and expectation clashes. The whole world falls apart. Breathing becomes heavy. You feel the blood rushes to your head. Nothing feels right and it seems the whole world is against you.

Taking a step back now. Why do we have expectation? How does expectation form? Perhaps it’s because we associate ourselves with things we find relatable? Was the idea of categorization subjective?

For example, when we see the cloud in the sky, some might think it looks like a dinosaur whereas other just see a blob of white cloud floating in the sky. The subjectivity shapes our experience. So, if everyone sees things differently, does it mean, our experience, our perception, our sensory are not static and definitely not universal?

Watching him tilt his head, waiting for another command, I realized how my own mind kept naming and judging — clever, stubborn, toy poodle — until I remembered a word “Samata” the Sanskrit concept where things are equal and interconnected in various levels.

If all things are interconnected and are constantly changing based on conditions, what we actually see or experienced does not reflect the true nature of the object. The experience was purely shaped by words, by adjectives, and by our own ideologies.

If we are able to remove the “packaging”, removing all the words that describe the sensation, feelings, or emotions, what do we actually see or feel?

Take my dog as an example, and what do I see in him? Perhaps just a dog or further, an animal. An animal who does not speak human language, who is also living within this system, affected by the weather, by the air quality, and by the food they consume. Removing their tags - toy poodle, lap dog, smart breed, it is just a dog at the end of the day.

Just like what Thich Nhat Hanh said in “The Diamond that cuts through illusion” — the moon might be full or crescent, bright or hazy, appearing or not appearing, but the moon itself doesn’t have any of these qualities. The moon is just the moon. All phenomena are equal.

The expectations are like labels that used to categorize objects or experiences, and perhaps more prominent for those who seek comfort towards the unknown. The expectation helps them to navigate through the sea of unknown, but it could backfire — just like what happened to my recent dog training episodes.

I shared my training experience with my trainer as well as my fellow bookclub members. I told them how I view those who cannot control their toy dogs are incapable and hilarious, and now the same thing happened to me. I have expected my dog to be friendly, and I expected myself to be able to channel his energy, divert his attention, and I failed. My expectation of my own expected self image was shattered.

But why am I expecting myself to maintain my expected self image? Have I gone mad? When I listen to how I shared my story, I understood something fundamental. First of all, no one really cares. Second, the expectation of myself being a capable trainer and a smart dog backfired. I started to wonder, what is expectation? And why did we have one?

When I recalled how I shared my story, I talked myself out. I thought about those embarrassing moments, but I don’t feel embarrassing anymore, and I don’t hold grudge against that version of me on that Wednesday morning when shit hits the fan.

What does that mean?

Just as Thich Nhat Hanh has mentioned in his books numerous times — nothing is truly independent, and all these causes and conditions had to align for a moment to happen.

Perhaps expectation is how our brain pre-mapped “all” the scenarios, but for it to actually happen, all these cause and conditions had to align.

But in reality, a small glitch can throw everything off. And that caused anxiety or any negative emotions.

One of the way to live more freely, is perhaps, just to expect less. Treat everything with a calm mind, not more or less. Take a walk when weather is nice, take a rain check when weather is bad.

Breath some fresh air, and feel how the crisp air goes through your nostril and exiting. Focus on what’s actually happening right now, rather than what you expect to happen. The breath coming in and out. The sensation of air. Not controlling, just noticing.

The leaves are still turning outside. I breathe, and for a moment, everything feels exactly as it should be.